A girl will never forget the first boy she likes.
Even if things don't quite work out.
Why did you do that?
Because you smell like dog poo.
You're so stupid, just like dog poo.
You're made out of poo!
But usually someone is there to offer words of wisdom.
Made...
...of...
...dog...
...poo.
Honey...
...do you know why that little boy did those things and said those things?
It's because he likes you.
And there it is.
That's the beginning of our problem.
That little boy is doing those terrible things because he's got a crush on you.
Do you know what this means?
We're all encouraged...
... no, programmed...
... to believe that if a guy acts like a total jerk...
... that means he likes you.
Here's the problem: He likes you too much.
You're too pretty and too awesome.
- Yes. - He can't handle it.
That Phi Delt so obviously liked you.
I'm sure he just lost your number.
He's not asking you out because he's intimidated by your professional success.
Trust me. It's because he's just getting out of a serious relationship.
Trust me. It's because he's never had a serious relationship.
Why do we say this stuff to each other?
Is it possible that it's because we're too scared...
... and it's too hard to say the one obvious truth...
... that's staring everyone in the face?
So Janine says you're a real-estate agent.
Yeah, but I'm not one of those cheesy ones...
...that puts my headshots on bus benches and grocery carts.
So just, like, Frisbees and notepads?
Basically.
- It's much classier. - My thoughts exactly.
Wonder why Janine never thought to introduce us before.
I don't know. I don't know.
- Hey, guys. Want another round? - You want one more?
Only if you do. I mean, if you need to get going, I totally...
Uh...
Okay, well...
Sure. One more. Ketel and soda?
And a beer, please.
Be right back.
Well, Conor, I had a really nice time. - It was really nice meeting you.
- Bye. - See you.
Hey, it's me.
He's cute, and I think it went well.
And I think he might be leaving me a message at home as we speak.
Hey, it's me. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you.
Oh, that's very sweet of you, Conor. Thanks.
Listen, I was wondering if you wanted to grab a late bite.
Tonight? I...
No, I was supposed to meet friends but I'm burnt out. Don't be mad at me.
No, of course, I'm not mad. Well, I'll be up for a while.
- Do you wanna go ahead of me? - I'll be up.
- Oh, can you hold on? - Okay.
No, that's fine. You just have one thing, so...
No, technically I have six...
...and I'm mulling over a gum purchase, so I think you should go.
Okay.
Let me call you right back.
All right. Okay.
- Hi. - Hey.
Just that and that, please.
Thank you.
Oh, my word.
Seriously? That's not possible.
I just deposited cash three days ago, so it's just not possible.
Oh, it's not that. Let me check something.
Congratulations, you won.
What?
Our Funky Fall promotion. You're our 1000th customer this month.
What?
Are you kidding me?
I don't do kidding.
Oh, my God. I can't believe this, it's so exciting.
Oh, my God. I never won anything before.
This is the most exciting thing that ever happened to me. Is that sad?
Yea-- No. I don't think so.
- Really? - Yes.
Thank you! Come here.
Wow.
...as the Terps move to mid-ice, trying to...
- Hey. - Hey.
- How was the date? - It was fine. Whatever.
- Why are you here? - My cable's out.
Come on, Spiewak, it's not the Ice Capades.
You didn't hear the phone ring by any chance, did you?
- No, I didn't. - Shit.
Anna gave me the old, "I'll call you right back."
Oh, shit, yeah? Well, how long ago?
That was 22 minutes ago.
Do I call back?
Should you call back? No, absolutely not.
I'm gonna call back and say I'm going to bed.
What? No. It's 9:30. You're gonna--?
No, it's a great idea.
I'll call and say, "In case you were gonna call me back, don't...
...because I'll be sleeping." A genius idea.
Okay, no, that's brilliant.
When you wake up you can say, "I'm awake now, I'm available to take your call."
Oh, gosh. A second.
- Sorry about that. - It's all right.
I was--
Wait, what was I saying again?
You don't wanna be like your mother, wake up one morning...
...and realize you never pursued your dreams.
Is that what I was saying?
- You want some gum? - No, thank you.
God, that's kind of heavy for a grocery chat.
- No, that's okay. - Isn't it?
- Sorry. - I actually might be able to help.
Yeah, I know a guy at my office who deals exclusively with music clients.
- Are you kidding? - Uh-uh.
Oh, my God.
- Are you my savior or something? - No.
- Can you hold this for a second? - Yeah.
Oh, this is so unexpected.
Okay...
I don't...
I'm married.
I don't do this.
You don't do what? You don't help struggling singers?
Not hot yoga-instructing singers...
...who are incredibly charming.
Hm.
Well, you could-- You could give me your card.
That's legit, right? Is that allowed?
I could do that.
- Yeah. - That'd be okay, right?
Yeah.
Great, thank you so much.
Course. Do you need help to your car?
- Where'd you park? - No, I'm fine. It's okay.
- It was very nice to meet you. - Yeah.
Okay.
Who was that?
- Oh, that was a prospective client. - Oh.
Okay.
I can talk to a woman. It doesn't have to be like that.
No. Absolutely not.
- Just drive. - Relax.
- Hi. - Hi.
- How you doing? - Good.
- Yeah? - Yeah. I just got off the phone.
- Yeah? - Yeah, with my little sister.
- How's she doing? - She's getting married.
Really?
Yeah.
Great.
You really think that's great?
Yeah.
Devon seems like...
...a great guy.
Well, so you think it's great that they're getting married...
...but you don't ever feel like we're going against nature, or something...
...by not getting married?
No.
Going against nature is like the cat who suckled that monkey.
You and I are just two people who happen not to be married.
Let me tell you something. People who get married are not to be trusted.
You are so weird.
They're not. You know why?
Because if you are so legitimately happy, honestly...
...you wouldn't feel the need to make a big show out of it.
You wouldn't have to broadcast it.
They do it because they're insecure...
...and they think getting married's what they're supposed to be doing.
So they're lying to themselves and to other people.
Seriously.
Think about you and your friends. Okay?
These women you have great relationships with...
...you're close to them, some of them you've known for years.
But you don't feel the need...
...to write a $45 check to the state of Maryland for a friendship certificate.
- Yeah. No, I get that. - Right?
Why should it be any different, you know, with me and you?
We're very happy, I love you, I'm committed to you...
...we have a great life, you know?
Yes, you're right.
Why can't we just be happy?
You're right.
- I'm gonna get you some more tea. - Okay.
Please enter your pass--
You have no messages.
Main menu. To send a message--
Okay, so clearly he hasn't called.
Maybe he's away on business.
He sells real estate. In Baltimore.
- Staying in town is his business. - Right.
Well, look, let me tell you.
After I went out with Ben for the first time, he didn't call me for 11 days.
Eleven days. And now he's the world's best husband.
That happens all the time.
- Really? - Really.
You want coffee?
- I got you 2 percent. - Thanks.
This is all your fault.
What? Why?
You set us up.
No. You asked me if I know any guys, and I gave Conor your phone number.
That's not a setup.
When I do a setup, I weigh the pros and cons.
I do my due diligence.
All I know about Conor is that he sold us this house.
Seriously, stop.
He said he always hangs out after work at the City Supper Club.
Maybe I should do a little drive-by?
Please don't.
He'll call.
Okay, I have a question:
Why'd they even invent caller ID?
It's, like, who is this service helping?
I mean, for centuries...
Okay, well maybe not centuries, but for, like, a lot and lot of years...
...people have been answering their phone, not knowing who it is...
...and as far as I can tell, no one's died from that.
And it's like if the police wanna know who placed a call, they could trace it.
I mean, what am I, the police?
This constant obsession with needing to know who's calling all the time...
...it's, like, so gross.
Like, you pick up the phone, you find out who it is, then you know.
It's, like...
Look, all I'm saying...
...if a guy doesn't call me, I would like to reserve the right...
...to call him at 15-minute intervals until he picks up.
But if he looks down and sees my numbers...
...he's gonna think I'm some kind of psycho or something.
Which I'm not.
Obviously.
Hello?
Mom.
I gotta call you back.
Inhale. Upward-facing dog.
Look up towards the ceiling.
He ordered more drinks for us when the waitress came.
He remembered exactly what I wanted.
He initiated the hug. He said it was nice meeting me.
So wait. This was at the end of the date or the beginning of the date?
End. Why, does it matter?
Yeah. "Nice meeting you" at the beginning of the date, that's normal.
"Nice meeting you" at the end of the date...
It could be a blowoff.
Maybe it was at the beginning.
Okay. That's fine. He's gonna call.
Or maybe it was at the end.
Or maybe it was just nice to meet me.
Help.
Hi. This is torture.
How am I supposed to come up with something pithy and dynamic...
...to say about cinnamon blends?
It's hard to focus on nutmeg...
...when the guy who might be the guy of my dreams...
...refuses to call me.
After my first date with Neil...
...I called him.
There are no rules anymore.
And, I mean, why should you have to wait for him to get off his ass?
- It's ringing. - That's pretty standard.
- Hey, you've reached Conor. - Yes! Voicemail.
- Leave a message, I'll get back to you. - Notes.
"Hey, Conor, it's Gigi.
I just thought, I hadn't heard from you...
...and how stupid is it that a gal has to wait for a guy's call anyway, right?"
What does that say? What's that say?
Because we're all equal, right?
More than equal.
More women are accepted into law school now than men.
And, I mean, I don't know if you saw that Dateline...
...but women practically have penises now, right? So...
Call me.
Oh, this is Gigi. Call me.
Don't worry, he's totally gonna call.
What?
How can there not be a dial tone? How can there not be a dial tone?
No dial tone. Come here, dial tone.
Gigi, are you there?
Hello, Gigi?
- Mom, is that you? - Yes.
- I can't talk now, I'll call you back. - Wait, I need you to--
Hi, it's Janine. Leave a message.
Hi, Janine, it's me.
Conor never called...
...so I'm on the precipice of staging a casual run-in at the City Supper Club.
Pick up if you wanna stop me.
All right, I'm interpreting your silence as tacit compliance. Bye.
- What's up, girl? - Hey.
- How are you? - Good.
Knock, knock.
Hey.
So...
...here we are. Same shift again.
I know. I make the schedule. Remember?
Well, I figured it was no coincidence.
I had...
...a good time the other night.
Yeah.
It's amazing where 10 shots of Patrón will get you.
So I was thinking...
...after work we could...
You know...
Look, Kelli Ann, what happened between us the other night was fun.
It was definitely fun.
But we're way understaffed tonight. I even have to man the bar.
So that's why I scheduled you.
To work.
So...
Are we good?
- Nope, we're good. - Okay.
Hey, oh, Kelli Ann.
Hey, babe, could you get the door? Thanks.
Hi. Are you joining us for dinner, or?
I'm meeting someone. A guy.
- Why? - Hm?
Nothing. Sorry. For dinner?
I'll wait at the bar.
That's a great idea.
What can I get you?
Oh, no, I'm meeting someone.
Oh yeah? What, you got a hot date?
I don't know if you'd call it "hot."
This guy Conor and I have only been out one time--
Wait, wait, wait. Conor Barry?
Yeah.
Conor's not coming in tonight. Thanks a lot.
Did he forget he was supposed to meet you here?
Oh, see, when I said "meeting someone," I guess it was kind of a broad term.
A wide interpretation of the word "meeting."
Right. You know what? I'll call him.
Oh, no. I mean, just totally unnecessary.
Okay.
I just was actually in the area...
...and so I just figured I'd swing by and see if he was around.
Because I had to return his pen.
Had to return this pen. He left this.
And I just thought I should really return it before he, you know, freaks out.
Yeah. Okay, I'll get it to him.
Thanks.
"Wilson Ward, DDS, Adult, Child and Geriatric Dentistry."
Look, I'm not going to judge what may or may not be important to someone.
Yeah. That's not even his dentist, though.
Oh, really. Who is?
My dad.
Oh.
I'm Gigi. I went out with Conor last week.
And I just...
I thought if I just ran into him...
I don't know. I'm gonna go.
Wait.
Wait, just--
Hang out for a second. Let me buy you a drink.
One drink. Okay?
Give me two seconds, I'll be right back.
Look, you seem like a cool girl, so I'm just gonna be honest with you.
Conor's never gonna call you.
Oh, really. How do you know?
Because I'm a guy, and it's just how we do it.
He said it was nice meeting me.
I don't care if he said you were his favorite female...
...since his mommy and Joanie Cunningham.
Over a week went by, okay, Gigi? And he didn't call you.
But maybe he did call and I didn't get the message.
Or maybe he lost my number...
...or he's out of town, or got hit by a cab, or his grandma died.
Or he didn't call because he has no interest in seeing you again.
Yeah. But my friend Terri once went out with a guy who never called.
She totally wrote him off.
- Over a year goes by. - Right.
She ran into him, and it ended up that--
Your friend Terri's an idiot. She's also the exception...
...by the way. The rare exception.
Okay. Okay. But what if I'm the exception?
No, you're not. You're not at all. In fact, you're the rule.
And the rule is this: If a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't wanna call you.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Always? - Yeah, always.
Look, I know what blowing off a woman looks like, okay?
I do it early, I do it often.
So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit...
...he genuinely doesn't give a shit.
No exceptions.
Thank you.
Given me a lot to think about.
- Morning, morning. - Excuse me.
- Hi. - Hi.
Everything okay?
Oh, I was up all night.
Please say you were working on the nutmeg copy.
Sure. It's basically done. I have to tell you something important.
Sweetie? What's going on with your hair?
Yeah, come here before people see you have a mini muffin in your hair.
Okay.
So...
Thank you. I think I figured it out.
Remember that notary public who cheated on me?
Then Anastasia told me her boyfriend cheated on her at the beginning...
...but then he changed and now they're married and crazy in love?
- I thought that guy was a process server. - No, notary.
Anyway, my point is, Anastasia's the exception, not the rule.
We have to stop listening to these stories.
The rule is that guys who cheat on you don't care about you much.
- Okay. - Okay, so Exhibit A:
Chad, the drummer who lived in a storage space.
He only used me for rides, and yet I continued to stalk him for most of 1998.
And then... Oh, there was Don...
...who broke up with me every Friday so that he could have his weekends free.
I was delusional about that relationship.
I'd refer to him as my husband to my dental hygienist.
And all of my friends used to tell me stories...
...about how things might work out with these dipshits...
...because they knew someone who dated a dipshit like mine...
...and that girl ended up getting married.
But that's the exception. We're not the exception, we're the rule.
Okay, let me just see if I understand.
So what you're saying is...
...if I hear a story about a girl who's been with a guy for 13 years...
...and he finally married her, that's the exception.
Yes.
But the rule are guys like Neil...
...who are with girls like me...
...for seven years and aren't married...
...they're never getting married.
- No. - No.
- No, no, no. No, no, no. - No.
- It's not what she meant in that-- - No, it's got nothing to do with you.
I absolutely was not talking about you.
- These are specific relationship situations. - I was talking about myself specifically.
Just me specifically, you know?
This guy is, like, impossible not to like, you know?
He's flirting with me pretty heavily outside of the Handy Mart...
...and, you know, everything just kind of lines up, it's really magical.
And then he tells me that he's married.
Which, of course, I should be pissed about, right?
But I just can't stop thinking about him.
But he's married.
I know, I realize that. I don't know what's wrong with me.
What's wrong with me?
Okay.
I know this guy, he works in my dad's printing business.
And he was married for 15 years to a nice lady.
And one night he meets this woman at some church event.
And he tells my dad that he's never felt anything like it before.
That he had finally met the one.
So he divorced his wife...
...and he's been with this other woman for 22 years...
...and they're insanely happy.
I mean, what if you meet the love of your life...
...but you already married someone else?
Are you supposed to let them pass you by?
You're right. Okay.
I'm gonna call him.
Okay.
- Hello? - Hey, Ben. This is Anna Marks.
Hey, Anna. What's up?
Nothing, I was just-- I was taking you up on your offer.
I know you said you had a couple of contacts you thought could help me.
And I thought maybe we could talk about it over coffee or something like that.
Look, I just...
I can't, Anna.
You seemed great. I just-- I don't know.
I should probably go.
Take care, though. Bye.
- Hey. - Hey.
- I'm psyched you called. - Cool.
Kind of given up on you when you didn't call me back.
I was just thinking about you.
- Want a glass of wine? - Sure.
Okay, what were the categories again?
Four categories:
Smart, sexy, funny and cute.
But you can only be two things.
Like Sarah Jessica Parker would be funny and sexy.
Bill Clinton would be smart and sexy.
I can't believe you're hot for Clinton.
Go. What am I?
Wait, what was I again?
You're smart and cute.
Okay, you are sexy, very sexy.
And cute.
No, you can't--
Sexy and cute are both in the looks column.
Nobody wants to be all in one column.
I sound like a jackass if I say you're all four, which obviously you are.
Especially sexy.
You're the best.
I better go.
Okay, well, you know you could stay here if you want.
What? It's been a while.
No, I can't.
I can't stay, I'm totally--
I'm totally, totally fried.
Is that okay?
Yeah.
I'll see you later.
Bye.
Hey.
That look straight to you?
Why are you hanging that?
Because you asked me to about three weeks ago.
I'm getting around to it.
Why? You don't want it here?
No, I love it there. But just stop.
Why? Is it the painting?
You know, I know, it looks kind of like a deflated boob here.
Right? I know.
It's gonna be depressing. Should I take it down?
No, I want you to stop doing anything nice.
This feels like a trick.
- No. - No?
No, I just-- I just need you to stop being nice to me...
...unless you're gonna marry me after.
Is that funny?
Do you think that's funny?
No, I guess it's not funny.
See, you can't keep being nice to me...
...and I can't keep pretending that this is something that it's not.
We've been together for over seven years.
You know me, you know who I am.
You either wanna marry me or you don't.
Or there's the possibility...
...that I mean it when I say I don't believe in marriage--
Bullshit.
Come on, it's bullshit for every woman...
...that has been told by some man that he doesn't believe in marriage...
...and then six months later he's married to some 24-year-old that he met at a gym.
It's just-- It's bullshit.
Where is this coming from?
From the place I've been hiding from you for about five years.
Okay.
Five years, because I haven't wanted to seem demanding.
And I haven't wanted to seem clingy or psycho.
Or whatever.
So I haven't asked you.
But I...
I have to.
I mean...
...are you ever gonna marry me?
Oh, I can't do this anymore.
I used to think that I had never been dumped.
Yeah, then we started comparing notes.
Then we realized we've both been dumped by every man we've ever been with.
- Every one. - Yeah.
- But they do it so skillfully. - Mm-hm.
They just so sneaky that you think it was your idea.
Yeah. You're sitting back and you're like:
"Oh, yeah. This my idea. But wait a second, why am I alone?"
"Why am I unhappy? Why have I gained 20 pounds?"
- They Jedi mind-trick you. - Yes, they do.
- So they do a soft pass. - Yeah.
They got little lines they like to tell you.
Like, "I don't wanna stand in your way."
Or, "You're perfect, it's just I have to work on myself."
Right. "I'm just thinking of your happiness."
"Oh, I don't deserve you." That's my favorite one.
You know the other one I like?
"I am so jealous of the guy who gets to marry you."
- Well, that could have been you. - Yeah.
That's what I was leaning towards.
Yeah. And the second you hear that...
...run to the store, get yourself some ribs and some ice cream...
...because you have been dumped.
Hey Anna, it's Ben.
Listen, I know it's been a while since you called.
It's just-- It took me by surprise.
But I did offer to help you with your career...
...and I don't see why I can't do that, right?
So why don't you give me a call...
...and maybe you can come by the office or something.
Okay? All right, take care. Bye.
Hey, you.
Oh, shit.
- What? - You scared me.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Everything's fine.
Are you smoking again?
No, sweetie, I'm not smoking.
Why?
You get jumpy when you smoke.
I'm not smoking, I promise.
No, I was just sitting here...
...trying to picture what this room's gonna look like when it's finished.
- I like that game. - You do?
Yeah.
What color did you picture?
That's where I got stuck.
Yeah.
I was thinking...
...maybe yellow.
- Yellow? Okay. - Yeah. I mean, it's neutral.
- Mm-hm. - Yeah. So it could be whatever.
It could be an office, it could be a guest room...
...a gym, a baby's room...
Wait, did you mean "neutral," or "gender-neutral"?
- I don't know what you're talking about. - Oh, really?
I know we said we'd wait to talk about it.
- Uh-huh. - Mm-hm.
But I think that we're almost ready to start talking about it.
So that's the last time I do anything pro bono.
Well, ladies, I guess I have to get back to the office.
You go back to the office after happy hour? What's happy about that?
I met you.
I would love to call you sometime. Do you have a card?
- Of course. - Oh, great.
Here is my info.
- Nice to meet you, Janine. - Nice to meet you.
Look forward to hearing from you, Gigi.
Oh, wait.
So...
...how are we doing this?
Are you hearing from me or am I getting a call?
What?
You said you'd love to call me...
...but then you said, "Look forward to hearing from you," and--
You see how that's kind of confusing?
Yeah, look, we'll talk. We'll get in touch.
You did it again. Very vague.
You know what? Let's just say that you'll call me...
...and then we can skip all the nonsense.
Goodbye, Gigi.
- He was cute. - Yeah, please don't cyber-stalk him.
What are you doing?
I'm not calling him.
If he wants to see me, he'll call.
Wow.
That guy Alex really made an impression on you.
Was he hot?
No. He was just...
...right.
Morning.
Morning, Ryan.
A surprise mocha venti just because you're so awesome.
- Love you. - Love you.
Good morning.
Okay.
So?
Oh, hi.
- He asked me out. - Oh, my God. He called?
- Well... - He e-mailed?
- No. - What?
Left his calling card with your lady-in-waiting?
- He MySpaced me. - Ouch.
- Oh. - Oh, girl, I don't know about that.
My trampy little sister says MySpace is the new booty call.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
I mean, things have changed.
People don't meet each other organically anymore.
If I would like to make myself seem more attractive to the opposite sex...
...I don't go and get a new haircut, I update my profile.
That's just the way it is, you know?
Yeah, she's right.
Back, back, back, back.
Ad sales, this is Mary.
Hi, Mary, this is Conor, Anna's friend, or whatever.
Hi.
So, what'd you think?
Looking at it right now. I'm not sure about this.
Oh, you have to trust me.
It's a burgeoning market, you're gonna make a fortune.
I know. Did you have to put me with the massage ads?
Well, it was either that or the page with the personals, so...
This page gets a lot of action.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Hey, have you spoken to Anna lately?
Yeah.
Okay.
All right, Mary, I'll talk to you soon. Thank you.
Bye.
What I'm trying to show you is that there's a difference.
There is a difference.
Hey, how did you get Aunt Linda to sew these dresses in two weeks?
She wanted to do it.
Really? She told me she felt like an old Indonesian lady in a sweat shop.
- Is that not right? - No, she didn't.
No?
What's the--? Why the big rush to get married?
Because I am not having my wedding during a gross Baltimore winter...
...and I am not waiting till spring.
You are so pregnant.
Oh, God, I'm not pregnant.
I'm not pregnant. That's ridiculous.
- Chug a beer then. - No, I'm not chugging a beer.
Chug a beer.
We're in love, you assholes.
That's what people do when they're in love, they get married.
But you know what? Not everybody gets married, you know?
There are many people who never get married.
Well, thanks for the inspirational pep talk.
What she meant to say was that it's fine that you broke up with Neil.
Right.
Tons of people make the choice to be alone. They're happy.
Look at Al Pacino.
Never been married, happy as a clam.
Would that--? Am l--? Would I be Al Pacino in this scenario?
No, Bethie, we just-- We want you to be happy.
Well, then you should have rethought the coral.
Oh, her face.
- Your face. - Don't make her cry.
I'm sick of these coral jokes.
I know, you're sensitive. Trust me, I get it.
Hey, why don't you have dinner with me and Steven and the kids...
...then you can just stay over--?
Why'd she wanna hang out with you and your husband?
The last thing I'd feel like doing.
If being in this wedding is too painful--
Oh, God, you guys. Please, stop it. Relax, relax.
That's enough, okay? Seriously, you guys, I'm f--
I've gone through breakups before. If you remember, I handle them quite well.
You've been there, you've seen it. I'm perfectly capable of doing this.
I can do it again.
I want you to stop worrying about me.
I'm fine.
I know it's here somewhere.
I spoke with George Lane in Music. He had a whole list of references for you.
Well, that's okay. You can just call me when you find it.
I swear I didn't lure you here under false pretenses.
I know.
A girl can dream, though.
You're just too good a guy.
Why are you married again?
Seriously, why?
No, I really think that it would be good for me to know...
...why you cannot live without this other woman.
Well, we'd been together since college and she gave me an ultimatum.
She said, "Either we get married or we break up."
So we got married.
Wow. You caved.
It's complicated.
Really?
What? You're a dick if you date a girl for too long and don't marry her.
You marry her and you're an asshole for marrying before you're ready.
I mean, shit, I don't know.
You're really hot.
And I am obviously attracted to you.
So I think the best I can do is...
...eventually find this piece of paper and call you...
...and hope to just help you out in your career in some small way.
Hi.
Hi. What's going on?
Javier.
Javier, I thought we talked about tarping the furniture.
City Supper.
Hi, this is Gigi. Is Alex there?
Hold on.
- Alex? - Yo.
- Drinks are good? - Yeah, one more.
- Hello? - Hi, this is Gigi.
- Gigi? - Gigi Phillips.
- Huh? - I, um...
...had the dentist pen.
Right. Hey. How you doing?
- I'm really sorry to bug you. - That's okay.
You had some really good insights and I wanted to ask you a question.
Okay, look, now I need to be harsh with you.
Conor's never gonna be interested in you, Geege.
No, I know. This is about Jarrad.
Jarrad.
So we meet at happy hour and he's completely charming--
Hey, give me two seconds, okay? Two seconds, hold on.
Let me guess. He said:
"The only thing happy about this hour is you."
He might have used some derivative of that.
So he says he's going to call, but then he gives me his card and he says--
Oh, he's not interested.
- You don't even know if he's called. - Oh, did he?
No.
- But I honestly think he's expect-- - Okay.
Gigi, he is not interested.
Alex, this is jacked.
The hostess is giving me shit for not wearing a black shirt.
- It's not black. - Look at it.
Not a black shirt. I see it. It's not black.
This shit is black.
If a guy gives you his phone number instead of taking yours, he's not interested.
He took mine first. Then he gave--
And also, if a guy wants to see you, believe me, he will see you.
I once called 55 Lauren Bells until I got the right one.
That's cute.
What happened?
Oh, yeah, as it turns out, her ass looked really huge in the daylight.
Is it your sensitivity that makes you so popular with women?
Don't call him. He doesn't like you.
Don't tiptoe around my feelings.
- Well, I'm just trying to help. - I know. Thank you.
Sure.
I gotta get back to work, but good luck.
Okay, bye.
Hey, buddy, you home?
Yeah. Come on in.
Hey, you want a beer?
Or an apple martini?
Oh, that's funny.
Have you told your parents?
It's for work. I'm trying to expand my client base.
By pretending to be gay?
No, by being more gay-friendly.
Or, in real estate terms, "gay-adjacent."
Nice. I'm gonna use that.
I should change this. It's maybe a little much.
I don't know. Dressing like that, seeing a girl who won't sleep with you...
...I think you can pull it off.
It's not that she won't sleep with me, douche bag.
I have slept with her. It's just she, you know...
Won't sleep with you anymore.
Pretty much, yeah.
What do you think?
I think you got a problem...
...because you're gonna have to beat them away with a stick, you gorgeous, sexy man.
Holy shit.
Observe your breath.
Inhale, belly rise.
And exhale, belly fall.
Bring your hands together in front of your chest.
Bow your head in gratitude.
- Namaste. - Namaste.
Thank you for coming. See you next week.
Great class.
We ran into each other.
You came to my class.
I had no idea this was your class.
You called to ask me if this was my class.
No, you never called back.
Because you told me not to call you if it was my class. It was.
- No. We just ran into each other. - Okay.
We're just two innocent folks who happen to be working out near each other.
Exactly.
Do you want a swim?
Sure.
You know, I was just thinking...
...why can't we be friends?
I mean, am I not allowed to have friends anymore?
I mean, am I not allowed to be friends with people that are hot?
I mean, what kind of reverse prejudice is that?
I hear you.
I mean...
...am I not supposed to be friends with a guy just because he's married?
Right.
Or has an insane smile?
Or an ass that makes me wanna dry hump?
- Did you just say "dry hump"? - Yeah.
Think I just fell in love.
So we're friends.
Yeah.
You wanna come in?
I'm sorry, I don't trust myself.
That's okay. You can just watch.
You know, you may be the best friend I've ever had.
- Hi. - Hey.
- Take a shower. Hey. - What? Hi.
- Honey? - Yeah.
You smell weird.
- I smell weird? - Yeah, different.
- Different how? - I don't know.
Sort of an odd thing to say.
You know, maybe it was the ashtray and cigarettes I found.
In the back yard.
What part of "My dad died of lung cancer"...
...is so hard for you to wrap your brain around?
What?
Do not lie to me, Ben. Please, okay?
Are you serious?
We have, like, 8000 undocumented workers here daily.
Okay, and you find an ashtray with cigarettes in it and you think--
You automatically assume that they're mine.
Oh, yeah.
Honey, I'm not lying to you.
I think...
...you are really freaking out.
This whole renovation thing's getting to you because nothing's happening.
Just say no.
Get it out.
Gonna take a shower.
- I'm exhausted. - Okay.
- Sorry. - It's all right.
Who'd have thought that a random girl from yoga...
...would fix me up with such a good kisser? - Back at you, sister.
I can't wait to kiss you again.
But we're kissing right now.
I know, next time.
The second-date kiss is way more intimate.
Well, listen...
...I'm leaving tomorrow, so I'll be out of touch for a little bit.
Can you excuse me a quick second? Too many Diet Cokes.
Okay.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah?
Hey, sorry to bug you again. Quick question.
Excuse me one minute, babe. Sorry.
What's going on?
Okay, I'm making out with this guy-- PG stuff.
And he mentions that he's going out of town, he's gonna be out of touch.
Run.
But maybe he is going out of town.
Where? Where's he going that he's gonna be out of touch?
Where are you going out of town to again?
Um-- Uh-- Pittsburgh.
Run.
So, what, now I'm just supposed to run from every guy who doesn't like me?
Yeah.
There's not gonna be anybody left.
I don't know why I'm saying this...
...but I think I know a nice guy who might actually like you.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
He's friends with my brother. His name's Bill.
We'll all meet for drinks and it'll be good.
So, I mean, I'm in his bathroom right now.
What do I do?
Well, you gotta come out eventually, right? But I'd take my time in there.
I'd let him sweat.
- Thanks. - Good luck.
Yeah, the boat looks great.
You look like shit.
But your boat looks great.
Yeah. I live on my boat, man.
Personal hygiene goes out the window.
A lot of time to work on the place.
You should try working on a shower.
Yeah.
Hey, what can I tell you?
Standing on principle, man. It's all I got.
Cigarette?
No, I'm good.
That's right, you quit.
Good for you.
So did Janine send you out here to check up on me?
Yeah, pretty much.
What are you gonna tell her?
I'll tell her how gorgeous you look out here on the ocean.
Break.
Any word from Beth?
She's so busy organizing her sister's funeral, I think she must be--
Sister's what?
Her wedding. Her sister's wedding.
- Isn't that what I said? - No. You said "funeral."
- No, I didn't. - Yes, you did.
Shit, did I really?
That's so weird.
I don't understand why people wanna get married.
They don't.
- They don't? - No.
No, no guy actually wants to get married.
And if they do, all they're really thinking about?
All the women they're gonna miss out on.
I don't wanna be with anybody else, just Beth.
I don't know, man, I...
Why'd you get married?
I love Janine.
You're a happily married guy.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'd say so.
Now, I know I don't need to tell any of you...
...that my cousin Paige is hot.
In high school, if I told the popular guys that Paige was my cousin...
...it'd keep me from getting my ass kicked...
...because no one wanted to blow their chances with her.
And when she gets up there and says those marriage vows to Devon...
...there will be hearts breaking all over the world.
- Hear, hear. - That's sweet.
But, you know, keep in mind that her sister Beth is still on the market.
Yeah, sure, she may be an older model...
...but she got a lot of good miles left in that tank.
But don't stay on the lot too long...
...or next year's models are gonna slip in there and steal all--
Okay, that's enough of the speeches.
Okay.
So enjoy the crab.
And that yellow stuff is not hot mustard, it's the crab's hepatopancreas.
Bethie.
Your cousin Jay has always been a jackass.
I know.
And somehow even he's married.
Oh, honey, look.
Back when everyone was just going to camp at the Y...
...you borrowed my New York Times...
...found some arts camp in the Berkshires...
...wrote away for information and got accepted on your own.
You never did things like everyone else.
Why not?
Because that's you.
That's why you're my favorite daughter.
You're not supposed to say that.
I don't give a shit.
I'm retired, I'll say what I want to.
I'll say it to the whole room if you want.
Wait, wait, wait! Come here. Stop.
It's true, though.
Hey.
- What are you doing? - Waiting for you.
Come on.
Sorry I'm late.
No, it's okay.
I like a little time before a blind date.
Prepare myself mentally, remind myself not to tell the story about my molars...
Gigi, he's not coming.
But you can tell me the story about the molars. I'd love to hear it.
Hey.
How could he already not like me?
I screwed up. I told Bill it was Thursday, not Tuesday. It's my fault.
Hi. Are you good?
- Can I get a Jameson on the rocks? - Sure.
Awesome. I'm stuck with a guy who can't distinguish Tuesday from Thursday.
Meanwhile, this girl, she's probably meeting her soul mate as we speak.
- This one right here? - Mm-hm.
Oh, God, no.
How do you know?
The guy working the Tom Cruise thing?
She's interested, he's clearly not.
You cannot tell from a cursory glance that he's not into her.
Actually, I can. I see this stuff going on every night.
Watch this. She's going on about her macrobiotic diet.
He's thinking, "Dear Christ, get me out of here."
And look, how fortuitous.
Drinks spill, which is perfect for him, because now...
He can move on to the girl with the shoulder tattoo.
Man, you have a gift.
Now check out Droopy Dog on the other side.
He's gonna buy her drinks all night and she's still gonna insist there's no spark.
Maybe there's not. You need a spark.
Oh, the spark thing is bullshit.
- Really? - Bullshit.
Enlighten me.
Guys invented the spark...
...so they could not call and treat you kind of badly and keep you guessing...
...then convince you that that anxiety and fear that just develops naturally...
...was actually just a spark.
And you guys all buy it. You eat it up and you love it.
You love it because you feed off that drama. You all love that drama.
I don't.
So you never wait until the last minute on a deadline or a phone bill...
...because secretly you love the drama...
...of not knowing whether or not you're gonna make it?
Maybe.
And let me guess:
When you were stalking Conor the other night...
...were you obsessing about him calling...
...constantly pacing back and forth, staring at your phone for days...
...even though the date was just kind of mediocre?
Okay. Yeah.
Because you all thrive on the drama. Thank you.
Look, you gotta be more like me. If a girl likes me, great.
But if not, there are plenty more out there like her, you know?
With smaller pores and bigger implants.
- That's beautiful. - I know.
Why are you sharing all of this inside dating information with me again?
I don't know, I like you.
You do?
Well, yeah. Okay, don't start doodling my name on your binder, okay?
I just mean-- I mean, I like you the way I like basset hounds.
Something pathetic about them. You just wanna cheer them up.
Again with the sensitivity.
To sensitivity.